Two Friends Talking: Radical Self-Care

Bria: So, the world is dealing with a lot right now. People are facing unprecedented challenges living through a global pandemic. How are you taking care of yourself?

Katura: I’m grateful that my loved ones and I are healthy and safe. So taking care of myself has meant eating relatively well, listening to great music, staying away from things that don’t bring me joy, and drawing closer to things and people who do. What about you?

Bria: I’m thankful that my loved ones are healthy and safe too. I’ve been taking care of myself by exercising, laying off the quarantine snacks, and watching a lot of cooking competitions (great ideas for quarantine cooking). I’m thousands of miles away from my parents and siblings, so that’s been hard because I would have made a few trips to visit with them by now. Essentially we've had to reimagine what it means to connect with community, and even how to connect with self. How do you define self care? 

Katura: I like this simple definition: self-care is intentional mental, spiritual, emotional & physical attention we give ourselves.

Bria: Mariam Mauna defines radical self-care as giving yourself what you need when you need it and dropping the ball on everything and everyone else.

Katura: I’ve been thinking about the distinction between self-care and radical self-care. I think self-care is often seen as a reward, or something we do after a rough few weeks or challenging project. But radical self-care says investment in our well-being comes first. That requires a shift in thinking and I believe more people are making that shift because of the current climate. I’m here for it. I like the idea of consistently pouring into yourself so your cup stays full. 

Bria: I recently saw a social media post that said, “Whatever is in your cup is what you spill out.” I like the idea of shifting your thinking from a reward mindset to an investment mindset because I think it gives you more control over what you put in the cup (practices that help you protect your wellbeing) and helps determine the lines that must be drawn to protect the cup. Radical self-care is about creating the necessary boundaries that allow you to heal and maintain peace even where chaos exists.

Katura: And this might be stretching the definition a bit, but I think for some of us, actually prioritizing self-care is radical in and of itself!

Bria: Self-care takes on many forms. How can we practice radical self-care outside of the confines of capitalism? 

Katura: This is an important question because capitalism and its effects can be big causes of stress and discontent. For a while, it seemed self-care conversations centered on pampering, which often comes with a price tag: bubble baths, massages, spa treatments, maybe yoga. I love all of those things, but you can absolutely practice self-care and radical self-care without them. The most important self-care practices for me are free. I check in with myself. Before I officially start my day, before I respond to a request, before I take on a new project. I pay attention to how I’m feeling and to what I need. I say no to things that don’t feel aligned. I also pause throughout the day to reflect on what I’m grateful for. I was in community with writers recently and many of us talked about writing as a form of self-care, too. 

Bria: When I hear radical I think about an urgency to do something completely different than what is considered normal. A few years ago I called a friend to vent during a particularly rough day [venting is sometimes self-care for me]. She told me to get somewhere quiet, set the timer on my phone for one minute and breathe. Breathe for one minute?! It seemed absurd given all I was dealing with at the time. But it worked and it still works. Taking that minute or few minutes ultimately helps to determine what I need to do to alleviate stress or anxiety, which may be a meditation with affirmations before I go to bed, a morning jog, washing dishes [it actually works for me] or a phone call with my parents. I just like the freedom that comes with defining self-care for ourselves and not by people who don’t have us in mind.

Bria: May is mental health awareness month and a global pandemic makes discussions about mental health, available resources, and access to care even more important. Women of color have additional experiences (e.g., sexism, racism, etc.) that negatively compound their human experience. Do we need supplemental resources that address mental health through the lens of intersectionality?

Katura: Intersectionality is always essential. I think on paper, the tools and resources may work across racial and gender identities, but how we use them or why we need them when those identities intersect can be very different. I’m thinking of microaggressions many women of color experience in the workplace. Or how some feel the need to justify pouring into themselves when we’re “supposed” to be strong Black women who can handle almost anything. You may have to acknowledge and unlearn that thinking before you can even begin to prioritize self-care. And we need self-care resources and communities that consider that. What do you think?

Bria: I agree that intersectionality must be factored into developing tools and resources especially considering how differently women of color experience the world, how systemic discrimination may be layered with each intersecting identity creating a greater need for specific resources and how cultural differences influence if/when women of color seek care and the type of care available to them. A one-size-fits-all solution creates too many blindspots. The goal should be to increase overall wellbeing and I don’t think you can get to that outcome without considering intersectionality.

Bria: COVID-19 has forcibly slowed the world down, magnified shortcomings in governments and healthcare systems and exposed the widening disparities among social and economic classes. It’s also been moving to see people tap into the most creative parts of themselves to meet these challenges with innovative solutions, connect, share and learn in new ways and continue to support the most vulnerable among us. Acknowledging that we’re not all having the same experience during this pandemic, what forms of celebration can we incorporate into a practice of radical self-care that honors our existence in such difficult times?

Katura: The term ‘self-care’ could easily have us thinking this practice is only about the individual - or that it’s something we do alone. But in the amazing conversation GirlTrek hosted with Angela Davis and Nikki Giovanni, they referenced Audre Lorde, who called for “‘self-care that involves community” and “self-care that helps us all to heal.” When you remember and lean into that, ideas for celebration as self-care seem endless. It also ties in to your question about WOC’s specific self-care needs. Celebration is holding space and lifting each other as a way of strengthening community. 

There’s a picture book called Cornrows, written by Camille Yarbrough, illustrated by Carole Byard. In it, three generations of family members are cornrowing each other's hair, and telling stories about the cultures and traditions these hairstyles come from. That is peak celebration as self-care. The way Angela Davis and Nikki Giovanni spoke the names of so many other women during that conversation — celebration as self-care. Even Jill Scott and Erykah Badu on Verzuz showing so much love for each other during what was billed as a battle — celebration as self-care. Or maybe that was just a celebration. I just know I felt lifted!!

Katura: So I was good and grown before I knew what self-care was, and which practices work for me. I’m still learning. What do you think can help girls and younger women embrace self-care even earlier?

Bria: We probably did things when we were younger to soothe ourselves or escape from anxiety or sadness that we didn’t define as self-care. For me, it was listening to music on a blanket in the backyard watching clouds make different shapes or riding my bike to the library, choosing a book, finding a quiet spot and getting lost in the pages. So, I think it begins with helping girls and young women to define self-care - naming it. You mentioned this earlier and I think it’s just as applicable to girls and young women, but learning how to check in with themselves and caring adults - assessing how they feel and identifying what they need - fosters resilience and supports overall wellbeing. We also have to model it for them by incorporating wellness practices into our daily routines to give them examples of how to lessen stress and anxiety, and increase joy and celebration.

Katura: Last question. These days, more than finding moments of joy, I think we need to create them. For me, that looked like putting on a cute skirt that twirls and dancing at my own personal party on Stevie Wonder’s birthday, which was also your birthday!! What are you doing to create more moments of joy?

Bria: Funny you should ask this question because I was recently challenged to create at least one moment of joy each day for fourteen days. I’ve had some of the best times of my life dancing and listening to good music with family and friends. So, lately it’s been a dance break in the living room! In all honesty, I had a few dance breaks listening to Stevie on our birthday! I also made a list of women in my life who bring me joy and have been intentional about connecting with them more often - like our happy hour video chats :)

Bria R. Griffith is a multi-industry organizational leader on a mission to connect community and business to implement strategies that promote social and economic equity. Katura Hudson is a writer and strategist with a passion for community; diversity, equity & inclusion; and New Edition.