Katura: Let’s start with these photos. I wanted us to capture our expressions when we hear the word “ally.” What were you thinking?
Bria: This is my “Am I smiling?” smile. We talk a lot about authenticity these days, but for me, it’s more about truth telling. Calling a thing a thing. Seeing or hearing someone call themselves an ally has in a lot of ways become the “I’m a good person” siren. It’s less about what you say and more about what you do. It’s time for some action <in my Cypress Hill voice>.
Katura: When people say “I want to be an ally” I wonder what that means to them. Are they ready to work, to be uncomfortable, to give up some things — or are they looking for a title or a quick box to check? Allyship requires action, so what I’m hoping people mean is “I will speak up, show up, self-educate, be part of the solution.” If I hear “ally,” I’m listening, but for me, it’s more about what you do and say next.
Katura: Let’s answer the big question. What is an ally?
Bria: An ally was supposed to be a person using their privilege to actively help marginalized and minoritized groups of people challenge, disrupt and dismantle systems and structures that create and are at the root of inequality and inequity. But in a lot ways it has become a passive means to pat oneself on the back for doing the least. As the Marines say, “Everybody wants to go to heaven. But nobody wants to die.”
Katura: Listen, you’re making me think of allies who lost their lives in the fight against injustice. Like Andrew Goodman and Michael Schwerner who were murdered along with James Chaney during Freedom Summer. But back to the question. You said an ally was “supposed to be….” Do you think ally has come to mean something different?
Bria: I’m reminded more and more that allies are not created equal, that some do a whole lot and others high five themselves for hashtags on social media. I definitely appreciate more clear definitions for ally and I also think that more advanced words like accomplice and co-conspirator have popped up to emphasize that light and easy doesn’t move the needle.
Katura: Some of the most powerful allies I know don’t even call themselves that. The title doesn’t matter to them. It’s about the work. (Shout to my friend E.)
At TransformHer 2021, one of the speakers said “you don’t own the ally title, you earn it.” Ally is also not a title you give yourself. Your actions will introduce you as an ally. That’s why I don’t love the focus on *being* an ally like it’s an achievement or destination. I’d rather talk about practicing allyship — focus on the work and the journey.
For the record, I wanted to share this on-point definition from the Oregon Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence: “Allyship is an active, consistent, and arduous practice of unlearning and re-evaluating, in which a person holding systemic power seeks to end oppressions in solidarity with a group of people who are systemically disempowered.”
Bria: I really like that definition, particularly “unlearning and re-evaluating,” because there is inside (heart) and outside (community) work that is necessary to be an effective ally.
Katura: For me it looks like choosing justice over order. It looks like the opposite of microaggressions. Is there a word for that -- interactions of support that, over time, help remove barriers and create for marginalized people a sense of belonging?
Bria: Do the work without fanfare or floodlights. Use privilege to promote equity and justice. Educate yourself on systems and structures of oppression. Call out microaggressions, macroaggressions, discrimination.
Katura: And to build on your comment about what allyship is not...Allyship is not a favor...Allyship is not quid pro quo. True allies don’t expect people from marginalized groups to share their story, or educate them on an issue in exchange for allyship...Allyship is not a hashtag or black square on social. They can be a start to some real learning and action, but just that. A start.
Katura: We’re not giving cookies, but can we give some suggestions? How can we all more effectively practice allyship?
My suggestion would be to de-center ourselves. Think of the change that needs to happen, the policy or practice or microaggression that needs to be addressed — then consider how we can use our position, influence, or resources to make a difference. It’s like gift giving. How often have we given someone a gift we wanted them to have, as opposed to what they actually wanted? Don’t make allyship about you.
Bria: I totally agree with you. The work is not about you. Actively listen. Don’t be a savior, work in solidarity. Pay attention to calls for support and support in the ways those affected have requested help. That goes back to what you said about giving gifts you want someone to have versus what they want or need. Amplify the voices of the marginalized and not your own. We’ve heard and read the stories of “allies” making big profit from the knowledge and research of Black and brown folks. Hold the media and content creators responsible for the messages they put out (or don’t put out). They control the story, the storyteller, who becomes the villain, the hero. Oftentimes this is how stereotypes are kept alive, biases are reinforced and culture is shaped.
Katura: How has someone shown up in true allyship for you?
Bria: Sadly, I don’t have many examples, but it has happened. Recently, I had someone step up for me and quite frankly, there was no benefit to her. We didn’t get the desired outcome we wanted, but she promised me a fancy dinner for my troubles when the world opens up. We both know that a good glass of wine is not much of a consolation prize, but it’s an acknowledgement that fighting bias, barriers, prejudice and all the -isms that come with an intersecting identity requires constant care.
Katura: Even though I asked the question, I don’t have a good answer. The examples I thought I had were actually illustrations of good leadership. Like a manager publicly recognizing me for leading a successful project. That’s important, but that’s not allyship. As you said, allyship can (and sometimes should) happen without fanfare — so I hope that’s the case for me and all of us who don’t have many personal examples to point to.
I do think more people are talking about allyship in action — not just the title and performative symbols like those pins that were popular a while back. I recently took Hollaback’s workshop “Bystander Intervention to stop anti-Asian and xenophobic harassment.” There were more than 3000 people in that session doing the work to understand what prejudice, bias, harassment and racism look like AND how to take action against them. We need so much more of that. The private messages of support and amplification on social are good; I see and get plenty of those. But how are we showing up beyond that? Especially when it comes to challenging the systems that support things like microaggressions and harassment.
Bria: That’s a great point. It makes me think about the current state and future of the workplace. So much has changed since the pandemic began. Our interactions are largely virtual now and people can show up differently online than they do in person. I just read about a former teacher in California who spoke to a parent about her son’s academic progress and not realizing she hadn’t hung up the Zoom call went into a racist rant about this student. The teacher resigned, so the school district said there’s nothing to be done in terms of an investigation. As the nature of work and school continues to evolve and traditional dynamics shift, there will be an even greater need for allies. Needless to say there is much work to be done and people cannot be afraid to step up. Fannie Lou Hamer said, “Nobody’s free until everybody’s free.”
Bria: How we work has certainly changed, and for some of us, so has the way we relax and recharge. Spring has sprung! What are you looking forward to learning about yourself or others in the coming months?
Katura: Spring is my season! After such a long and cold winter, these random 70-degree, sunshiny days in Jersey are reviving me. I’m a March baby and I got to the beach (in NJ!) for my birthday. That was different but sooooo needed. I’m looking forward to continuing to reconnect with myself — hopefully in lots of sun and fresh air. What about you?
Bria: I wholeheartedly agree! I love this time of year. Unfortunately the pollen is alive and thick in my neck of the woods! So, I haven’t been able to test my roller skates outside just yet. However, I’ve started a new meditation series and I’m looking forward to uncovering more zen. Namaste.
