When times get tough and motivation is hard to come by, a helpful friend might suggest looking at how far you’ve come. Growth can be inspiring. So can leaving things behind.
Katura: I was listening to entrepreneur Myleik Teele (founder of Curlbox) talk about outgrowing friendships. Not because of drama or a falling out - simply because two people are in different places in their lives and don’t connect like they used to. Relatable, right?
Bria: So very relatable. When I was much younger this disconnection felt personal; I took it as an indictment on who I was. However, age and wisdom reveal very different things at play when this happens in friendships. There isn’t much I like about reptiles, but one thing I do admire is that reptiles know how to shed their skin and keep it moving. The shedding doesn’t happen overnight. There’s rubbing and agitation that has to happen over time. But in the end, there’s no muss, no fuss, just new skin. Totally random thought: I wonder if reptiles have “They think they’re all that!” moments when they’ve shed their skins and interact with other reptiles. Probably not. Are humans really more evolved? <chuckles>
Katura: Time flies during a regular year. But 2020 was a total time warp and endless loop of pandemic and election news. So I appreciate the year-in-review recaps we see around this time because I need to be reminded that other things happened this year. I do personal reflection around this time too. What did I learn? What do I want to work on? What am I thankful for? This year I’m adding a question. What did I outgrow?
Bria: Now you have me thinking, but while I’m doing that what did you outgrow?
Katura: Most of my life, I’ve defined growth by accomplishments. (Typical type-A behavior.) If not accomplishments at least progress. Has my writing improved? Did I learn a new skill? Can I run farther, twist my hair faster? But growth is not just about stepping into the new. Growth is also what you leave behind. Realizing what no longer serves you and letting it go.
Two big things I’ve outgrown. 1) Being the default “go to” person; 2) The pressure of “should.” Both of those things come with heavy expectations and almost no boundaries. I’m over all of that.
Now be clear, just because I’ve outgrown things doesn’t mean I‘ve totally let them go. Unlearning behaviors can be a process. But acknowledgement is the first step. And I’ve definitely done that.
What have you outgrown?
Bria: More than anything I’ve outgrown undervaluing me. I’m over that. I’m valuable. Whether or not someone chooses to see my value is not something I can control. That goes for friendships, relationships, workplaces, worship spaces and anywhere in between. I tend to overcorrect to prove my worth (for any given reason) and the effort involved never matches the outcome. You know I work diligently on seeing situations through a lens of grace and compassion (it’s not easy). But I’ve learned I’ve got to save some of that grace and compassion for me too. So, I start at “I’m valuable,” and go from there rather than, “Let me prove to you how valuable I am.” This has filled my peace jar a lot quicker.
Katura: I love that. Because your value isn’t something you need to convince someone of. It just is.
My most vivid memory of outgrowing something was this pair of turquoise pants I had as a kid. I don’t know why, but they were my favorite. When they were clearly too short for me, my Dad made me put them in a big bag full of clothes we were donating. A few days later, I went back in that bag, dug out those pants and put them on. They were wrinkled high waters! But I was not ready to let go.
Do you remember learning about the concept of outgrowing? Or letting go?
Bria: I learned about letting go the first time my family moved. On our last trip to get the remaining things out of the “old” house I slowly walked through the rooms. The house felt so big with all of its contents gone. My little mind was overwhelmed by the uncertainty of new things (i.e., new house, new school, new neighborhood kids) and what these new things meant for the old things. My Mom must have seen the anxiety and sadness on my face and as she tends to do, created a vision for an adventure that included picking paint and vertical blinds for my new room. I think it taught me that letting go of old things isn’t always bad. And in hindsight, interior design was not my calling!
Katura: This doesn’t count as outgrowing per se, but one thing I gave up this year? Trying to run again. I used to love running. I ran track in high school and later with BGR. I got back out there this summer and NOPE. Not only was I so out of shape, I didn’t enjoy running anymore. I realized I was doing it to check the box on a comeback. Doing it just to say I did. I’m over that too.
Bria: In that vein, I wanted to let go of rigidly defining the things I enjoy doing. So, I got to thinking about all of the ways I loved being active as a kid. Thankfully, I have a family that supports me when I suddenly switch things up (or maybe they silently judge me). Either way, I added roller skates to my holiday wish list. Send some positive vibes your girl’s way because these bones ain’t so young anymore!
Katura: This whole convo just reminded me of that Toni Morrison quote from Song of Solomon: ‘Wanna fly, you gotta give up the sh!t that weighs you down.” Here’s to more flying.
The authors, pre-blog and pre-pandemic, pausing for a photo during a marathon convo in DC.
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